2013 was a struggle for my family. More of a struggle for me. We all have issues from childhood, sometimes those memories include individuals who are hard to forgive, allowing ourselves to compromise, losing sight of what is good, etc. I have had more than my share of needing forgiveness. This is a common theme in the lives of us all.
However, in the fall of 2013 I was struggling for my sanity. There were moments when I would think, "why am I freaking out?", "I am overreacting", "I don't feel in control", "I will never be good enough".
Despite what I was thinking, I could not change my behavior. I found myself sitting in the dark, constantly crying, loss of focus, lack of sleep, removing myself from my family and hiding away so I didn't cause them more turmoil. After a week straight of crying I realized that I needed help. I called a counselor that I have met in the past and he got me into a doctor. Once my counselor and I met, he had suggested and then I was diagnosed with cyclothymia or bipolar II.
Cyclothymia is the less drastic little sister of Bipolar. My highs weren't as high and my lows weren't as low, but my mood and sleep were unmanageable. So I started medication and counseling. I thank every day for medication, three months later and I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.
Despite my financial struggles, despite what I think I should be when I grow up, despite feeling like I have failed in every part of my life; I finally feel like I can start over. I feel as though I can be myself and others will accept me. I feel like despite my interests with proper parameters and expectations, I can be successful in some, if not all of what I want to do.
I have damaged my husbands' confidence, my children's innocence and my ability to bond or find friends in others. Like they say "today is the first day of the rest of my life". I believe that. I hope in my journey, I can share the lessons I have learned. I hope that you find some of your strength in me and your faith. My faith is growing, my heart is full and so my beauty grows.