The end of the beginning and the beginning of the new.

This is a post of my struggle with mental illness. Not every story can be happy, frankly this is a downer, however I hope that this post can also relate to someone else struggling.

2013 was a struggle for my family. More of a struggle for me. We all have issues from childhood, sometimes those memories include individuals who are hard to forgive, allowing ourselves to compromise, losing sight of what is good, etc. I have had more than my share of needing forgiveness. This is a common theme in the lives of us all.

However, in the fall of 2013 I was struggling for my sanity. There were moments when I would think, "why am I freaking out?", "I am overreacting", "I don't feel in control", "I will never be good enough".

Despite what I was thinking, I could not change my behavior. I found myself sitting in the dark, constantly crying, loss of focus, lack of sleep, removing myself from my family and hiding away so I didn't cause them more turmoil. After a week straight of crying I realized that I needed help. I called a counselor that I have met in the past and he got me into a doctor. Once my counselor and I met, he had suggested and then I was diagnosed with cyclothymia or bipolar II.

Cyclothymia is the less drastic little sister of Bipolar. My highs weren't as high and my lows weren't as low, but my mood and sleep were unmanageable. So I started medication and counseling. I thank every day for medication, three months later and I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.

Despite my financial struggles, despite what I think I should be when I grow up, despite feeling like I have failed in every part of my life; I finally feel like I can start over. I feel as though I can be myself and others will accept me. I feel like despite my interests with proper parameters and expectations, I can be successful in some, if not all of what I want to do.

I have damaged my husbands' confidence, my children's innocence and my ability to bond or find friends in others. Like they say "today is the first day of the rest of my life". I believe that. I hope in my journey, I can share the lessons I have learned. I hope that you find some of your strength in me and your faith. My faith is growing, my heart is full and so my beauty grows.

It has been a while........

It has been a while since my last post. This is the same starting line that covers 75% of blogs. This blog is no different. Sometimes we forget that as we are living our lives, we need to post our lives.  I will take the challenge. ( Yes a little dramatic, but this post was seeming to go there. )
August and September were big months for our family. After 13 years of marriage,starting businesses, moving back home, and having children together, Mike and I decided to start again. NO, we are not talking about divorce here, we are talking about making a new life for ourselves. So, we left everything, our beautiful home, our friends, family, co-workers, some people we will miss and some we will not miss. My husband is a contractor and after 7 years, there was no business left. We had to decide what to do next. Mike was determined to never have another job so reliant on the economy again.
So, here we are in Provo, UT. Mike has decided to become a dentist. His degree is in Industrial Design, so this is an art degree. He has no sciences. Yes, you heard me right. No sciences, you kind of need science to become a dentist. So, he has to go to university to get his science classes (two years) and then can attend dental school. yippee..... a six year transition. Ok I will try that again, YIPPEE, Mike is going to dental school!!!! Better?
We are renting a little house, the kids love their new school, we live in a great neighborhood and we are so totally poor. I am looking for a job, and will be attending esthetician school at night. (I really am a whore for skincare, I will buy anything :) So, everyone that sells Arbonne or Avon or Mary Kay, stay away, and don't get me started on Sephora, seriously, don't.)
I am terrified to see if we will be able to fund our new life, but it is simpler and sweeter, so this should be good for us.
Now you can see that while I was living my life or trying to wade through my life, I have forgotten to post. I do have a couple of stories to share, thus I can see a few more posts in my future. Well in my near future of course.
To a new life!