The end of the beginning and the beginning of the new.

This is a post of my struggle with mental illness. Not every story can be happy, frankly this is a downer, however I hope that this post can also relate to someone else struggling.

2013 was a struggle for my family. More of a struggle for me. We all have issues from childhood, sometimes those memories include individuals who are hard to forgive, allowing ourselves to compromise, losing sight of what is good, etc. I have had more than my share of needing forgiveness. This is a common theme in the lives of us all.

However, in the fall of 2013 I was struggling for my sanity. There were moments when I would think, "why am I freaking out?", "I am overreacting", "I don't feel in control", "I will never be good enough".

Despite what I was thinking, I could not change my behavior. I found myself sitting in the dark, constantly crying, loss of focus, lack of sleep, removing myself from my family and hiding away so I didn't cause them more turmoil. After a week straight of crying I realized that I needed help. I called a counselor that I have met in the past and he got me into a doctor. Once my counselor and I met, he had suggested and then I was diagnosed with cyclothymia or bipolar II.

Cyclothymia is the less drastic little sister of Bipolar. My highs weren't as high and my lows weren't as low, but my mood and sleep were unmanageable. So I started medication and counseling. I thank every day for medication, three months later and I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.

Despite my financial struggles, despite what I think I should be when I grow up, despite feeling like I have failed in every part of my life; I finally feel like I can start over. I feel as though I can be myself and others will accept me. I feel like despite my interests with proper parameters and expectations, I can be successful in some, if not all of what I want to do.

I have damaged my husbands' confidence, my children's innocence and my ability to bond or find friends in others. Like they say "today is the first day of the rest of my life". I believe that. I hope in my journey, I can share the lessons I have learned. I hope that you find some of your strength in me and your faith. My faith is growing, my heart is full and so my beauty grows.

Love Notes.......

I remember a period in my life from the age of 5 to around 21 that I was always deeply in love. Yes, I was that girl. So, when my 12 year old son started to have a crush of his own, I felt his pain.
He has always had a small crush on one girl in his class each year. Only he and his mother knew of his crush each year.
Until now.
This year it is a little different, he has upped the ante. Not only has he developed a crush, he has written love notes, the first one anonymous and the most recent one he actually signed his name. It is fun to watch the poetic side of my 12 year old come out as he is trying to impress his new crush. Just to let you know, this 12 yr old boy is the sweetest thing, so to him, this day, must be love.

WARNING: Before reading the following love notes, be aware that my 12 year old son is DEEPLY into GREEK MYTHOLOGY.

Love Note #1

Dear Melanie,
You are as sweet as Greek honeycakes. If I were a god and I was immortal I would make you immortal so we could be together. If you were Medusa I would still date you. You are as beautiful as Aphrodite.
Love,
GM (greek myth)

Before I start love note #2 I have to say that I did not let him deliver this note, we talked about being friends and about giving each other space.

Love Note #2

Dear Melanie,
If I were a slave and you my master, I would do whatever you say, even if it means death. If I were Alexander and you the Persian princess, named Roxanne, I would marry you on the spot. If I were Perseus and you Medusa, I would rather die a bloody death by the Kraken than chop off your head. I would do whatever it takes to tickle your heart until death falls upon  us.
Love,
(his name)

These may seem a little serious, but with his love of Greek myths and tragedies, what other frame of reference does he have for love? (I guess other than my husband and I, but we are not nearly this dramatic)

It is so funny to look back and think of those major crushes. The very excitement you feel as you are going through young adulthood, just how serious and eternal they seem. How watching your crush laugh and giggle without knowing what is in your heart. 

Getting the Romance Back!

Here we go. A new year has started and my husband and I will be entering into our 14th year of marriage this year.
Things to know about my husband:

• He is starting to grow more hair every year.
• He will help you out at any time.
• He is an incredible baker.
• He is extremely dry and sarcastic.
• He continues to be in love with my body even though it is oddly stretched and rounded in places that you wouldn't ever wish for.
• His children adore him.
• He is horrible at being romantic.
• He makes fun of every trending, cheesy or sentimental thing I do.

After hearing a bit about him, you will understand why this next event in my life was so hard to do.

For a project at work, I had to find and test a product online. Because I am starting a relationship blog, I thought I would search for products that claim to help or grow your relationship.

So, here I am, I have found a product that teaches to send romantic texts and get your partner to reciprocate. NO THIS IS NOT SEXTING. So, with my extremely awkward, sarcastic, romantically challenged husband, this was definitely a task.

Could I ever get him to get past the first few texts without laughing and really try the program.? Well we got started and I will say this seriously... love it. Once my husband saw what his sweet texts and thoughts were doing to my attitude. Suffice it to say, I have loved this program. You guys can check it out, there is a free set of sample texts, then there is a program to try. My husband and I did the latter.
Even though we are not a couple that would ever think of this sort of program, we have no marital challenges, rarely fight, but 14 years can start to get a little dull.

I am totally grateful for the jumpstart. If you want to try, even if it seems a little silly at first, you can check it out here.

Soul Mates

A little over 13 years ago just 2 months before my husband and I were married, we adopted our first child. She was the runt of the litter, a beautiful chocolate color, and had a tail that never stopped wagging.

Our chocolate lab Roxy has been with us for every move, every new home, every child's birth. She was very annoyed by each new dog we added to our home, but ultimately invited and mothered each of them as well.

After 13 years, she died yesterday. She no longer could use her back legs and had gone as long as she could. In the early morning, just before Mike took her to the vet, the children loved her, took pictures and said goodbye. Although my brain knew her time had come, my heart was broken. My very husband, who in the past was unable to show emotion, cried the entire time he dug her grave in the back yard.

As I watched her carried from the truck to the grave, it was clear that her spirit had left her body. Watching her laid gently in the ground, wrapped in her rose printed sheet, still wearing her pink rhinestone collar, was almost unbearable.

The children and I found comfort in knowing that she would be in heaven, wagging her tail, smiling at those that need comfort and begging for hot dogs from those that she knew would give in to her powers. She was our first addition to our family and will always be with us. It is amazing to me how these sweet creatures touch our hearts. We love you Roxy.

Lessons from Roxy:

Show joy and happiness each day.
Love those around you.

Happiness can be found in a great meal, family, and a good scratch.

Never trust those that don't like dogs.

I did it for a girl.

I have an eleven year old boy. He struggles with his weight. He is 5'6", 170 lbs, size 11 men's shoe and just finished the 5th grade. I have tried not to make him feel self conscious, but we do try to limit mindless snacking and my husband and I have been waking early with him to do workouts, bike rides, "Just Dance 2", whatever we feel like doing to get some exercise. Shamefully I must say that sometimes he wakes himself and works out on his own when I am too tired to move. So, before we started this regimen every morning, we were doing it occasionally (we now are more diligent). But, one morning I woke to what sounded like elephants in the living room. My 11 yr old was dancing away to "Rasputin". Note: I had not heard this song until the Just Dance video game provided it as one of the selections. The song is disco and sings words to the effect of "Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen, there was a cat that really was gone. Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine, it was a shame how he carried on..." I know, so wrong, yet so right.
Back to the story, so there he is dancing his little heart out. I smile at him and start breakfast. Later that day after school, my son tells me that he has decided to work out for "personal reasons". But he also gives me look like he would like to tell me more. So, I ask him what "personal reasons" means and he states to me that he can tell me when his father, little sister and little brother are out of the room. I then ask them to leave.
Once we were alone my son says that he "did it for a girl". He wanted to work out for a girl. I ask him if she knows he likes her. He tells me that he told her after school that he "likes, likes her". I asked what she said back and he said that she said "thanks",  he said "but in a nice way, not like a snotty thanks".
So, he has decided to turn himself into a workout fool, dancing to tale of Rasputin, for the love of his life that he intends to play Magic cards with later.
To be 11again.