Falling into the abyss. Dreading the next day.

I have been looking at relocating my family. But, applying for jobs 100's of miles away is seeming to be quite the task. So at work, although I get all my work done efficiently and effectively, I am sidetracked by wanting desperately to go somewhere else. I have spent 25 of my 34 years in my small town. I moved away when I graduated and as I got married have since returned. So, I am at that point that enough is enough. Need a change, time to move on, etc.

I enjoy those that I work with. I enjoy staying busy. However lately, I haven't stayed busy making each day longer and longer. To make it worse the slow times leave me space in my mind to dream of some far off land that I want to whisk my family away to.
I hate dreading going to work. I usually don't, but as I have mentioned, I am ready to move on. So as it gets harder to get out of bed in the morning, drive up to the dealership, I take a deep breath and walk into work with a smile on my face.
Today was no different, but with that smile also came a bout of laughter. Because not only am I starting to dread work, I walk in with a pretend smile, and then hear it. You know that awesome background music that I have blogged about in the past. There it is, "All, by myself, I don't wanna be all by myself, anymore."
This made me laugh. The only image that popped into my mind was a picture of "Bridget Jones Diary", with Renee Zellweger laying on her couch, boozing it up and singing, poorly I might add, at the top of her lungs.
I have to be grateful for the little things that get me through that door and still smiling at the end of the day. Even if it is a ridiculously sapping song that in lesser times would make me want to slit my wrists.

Sleeping my way to ruin.

As a working mother, there is always some running, running, running. I however have been more like crawling, crawling, crawling, lately. I get plenty of sleep but cannot seem to wake up refreshed or just wake up without wanting to kill someone. I am sooooo tired.
Skip to last night. Work, off at 6, check, dinner with two elderly friends 6-7:15, check, pack bags and off to overnight sleep study, check, Check-in at 9 PM. Once I finally arrive at the sleep center, I am escorted to my room. I stopped and got a trashy tabloid magazine to read before bed or while I was waiting, but I didn't have to wait long. Once the tech came into my room they attached what seemed like 20 or so electrodes to my head, neck, collar bone and ankles. Yes, I am glad you asked, it was terribly comfortable. Then they gather the wires toward the back of your head, like some sort of wiring harness, strap three bands around your chest and waist and say goodnight.

What the hell. It is hard enough to sleep well on a great night, much less dressed like John Cusack in Sixteen Candles. Not only do you have to fall asleep to have a sleep study conducted, which my previous reference proves, was ridiculous, you have to stay asleep without turning too much that you pull the wires out of your nifty battery pack thingy.

"It's morning" I hear in a cheerful voice as I am awoken at 5 AM the next morning by the sleep tech. It was time to get up and head home.
Ok, to refresh, sleep with a commodore 64 strapped to your head, awake at 5 AM without wanting to injure any of the staff. This sounds like a great introduction to sleeping disorders and therapy. I can't wait to see what is next. I will keep you informed.

Relationships, family & balance.

As every mother knows, the art of balance is tough to master. But, as a mother, it is essential. Working, stay at home, step mother, who ever you may be to your family, balancing love, time, food, your checkbook, all without being committed to an asylum, is hard.
Now I am a huge believer in schedules, and lists, and organization and everything you have heard before, but today I was thinking more about balancing relationships. Not so much the tangible items in your life, but more of the intangible.
I don't have a lot of close friends. I am fun and outgoing, but I find it hard to fully nurture many friendships, my marriage and the relationships with my children. Usually finding myself an "all or nothing" person. If I can't fully commit to a relationship of any kind, then I back away from it entirely.
I know that this description sounds harsh, I am not asking others to be perfect or a certain kind of person, but internally, if I feel like I don't have the heart or energy to fully commit, I back away.
Yes, there are those on the outside that we say "hi" to at the store, or on Facebook. Those that we pass in church and smile at, but know nothing really about them personally. Then there are those, that will call when you are sick, can predict how you will react, and those that really "get" you. I find myself lately realizing that a friend of mine that I thought was the committed friend, is going to end up being a peripheral friend. Those that you say "hi" to at the grocery store.
Because I don't usually fully commit to friendships, the moment I did, it broke my heart. The problem is, I have realized this before it has even crossed her mind. I don't know that she is aware of where this friendship is heading, there have been no harsh words, just some actions that have become clear about where I stand with her and what she is willing to do, or not do as a friend.
So, where do I go? Do I just have superficial "hi" friends from this point forward? My work relationships, marriage and family take most of my effort. Should I not expect so much of others in the future?
I understand this is not the typical mommy blog, I am not writing about rainbows and buttercups, but these are things of everyday, my bad music at work, my children drawing on their stomachs, my friends breast dropping down her torso, these are the stories of life.  And today with heavy thoughts, the question is should I expect less of those around me?
I wanted to marry into the mob when I was a little girl. I know, heavy drama. I had a pretend boyfriend named Todd and wanted to marry into the mob. But, in the middle of the pretend drama, there was a little of my psyche there. I think I wanted the mafioso family. The friends that were your family and the family that were your friends. Those you expected complete loyalty from and if the loyalty faltered, they were capped. Is that too much? Like I said, one always for the dramatic.
How do you do it? Don't worry, I just ordered a book on optimism from amazon.com.

The beautiful tapestry we call elevator music.

"I need you now....more than words can say, I need you now, gotta to find a way.....I need you now, before I lose my mind, I need you now.... "

That is the song playing over the speakers at the dealership. Our manager has a "no country music" policy. This would sound logical except that we live in MONTANA.

So, we get to travel the channels of XM each day to break up the week. Today is apparently love songs. There is a difference in songs about love and 1970's love songs, which will in fact drive me to suicide, not so much into the arms of love.

Next on the docket is Maroon 5, then Jewel, both of which I can get behind, then some 70's crap, earlier they played King Tut, by Steve Martin.
Really, do these music channels have an agenda? Do they want to drive the everyday worker to start working efficiently, work a little faster, dream of the hundreds of ways to kill themselves, then put the worker to sleep? What the hell kind of work day is that? Oh and lest we not forget, the finale, Cherry Pie, really, Warrant?
Time to go home.

Break down.

So it seems like I am having a weekly breakdown. Frankly, I probably am, soon maybe I will start writing about cooking or a funny childhood story but today is not that day, today is a breakdown day.
So, I decide to have a half humorous, half serious talk with my boss today. I was talking with him about how through my self deprication and need to please everyone in the office, how I end up doing 2 or 3 sets of work, so each and everyone I work with is comfortable and never feel put out or offended, instead of just saying, this is how it should go, get over it.
He proceeds to tell me that I can't be the mom of  the dealership, not everyone is going to love me and doing three sets of work is asinine. He was right. However, when you are a mother, that cares even a bit, when do you stop being a mother? Even to those you work with. My position at works does slightly take on a motherly role making sure those around are doing as they need to be, oh wait, is that motherly role or manager role? Obviously I have a hard time separating the two.
I guess I should be flattered that those around me think I am smart and capable enough to handle extra work or new projects, but also I don't really want a hand in everything.
My boss is the logical argument and I am the emotional argument. So what do I do to prove my point? Start to cry. I know embarrassing. I am and have always been a crier. Don't know how to stop, wish I could.
I even have a good friend that calls me the town crier. Ridiculous I know.
So tomorrow is a new day, no mothering. No emotions, requiring everyone around me to carry their own wait. Mom time is over.