The end of the beginning and the beginning of the new.

This is a post of my struggle with mental illness. Not every story can be happy, frankly this is a downer, however I hope that this post can also relate to someone else struggling.

2013 was a struggle for my family. More of a struggle for me. We all have issues from childhood, sometimes those memories include individuals who are hard to forgive, allowing ourselves to compromise, losing sight of what is good, etc. I have had more than my share of needing forgiveness. This is a common theme in the lives of us all.

However, in the fall of 2013 I was struggling for my sanity. There were moments when I would think, "why am I freaking out?", "I am overreacting", "I don't feel in control", "I will never be good enough".

Despite what I was thinking, I could not change my behavior. I found myself sitting in the dark, constantly crying, loss of focus, lack of sleep, removing myself from my family and hiding away so I didn't cause them more turmoil. After a week straight of crying I realized that I needed help. I called a counselor that I have met in the past and he got me into a doctor. Once my counselor and I met, he had suggested and then I was diagnosed with cyclothymia or bipolar II.

Cyclothymia is the less drastic little sister of Bipolar. My highs weren't as high and my lows weren't as low, but my mood and sleep were unmanageable. So I started medication and counseling. I thank every day for medication, three months later and I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.

Despite my financial struggles, despite what I think I should be when I grow up, despite feeling like I have failed in every part of my life; I finally feel like I can start over. I feel as though I can be myself and others will accept me. I feel like despite my interests with proper parameters and expectations, I can be successful in some, if not all of what I want to do.

I have damaged my husbands' confidence, my children's innocence and my ability to bond or find friends in others. Like they say "today is the first day of the rest of my life". I believe that. I hope in my journey, I can share the lessons I have learned. I hope that you find some of your strength in me and your faith. My faith is growing, my heart is full and so my beauty grows.

B.A.U.A.C.P.W.L.C (no really you need to read)

Many days I wonder where my children came from. Often people will suggest that they are a mix between Mike and I. Maybe so, but I also know that they come with special, quirky personalities all of their own.

Case in point:
My 10 year old daughter is a weirdo. She is beautiful, smart, does a mean robot, and totally in her own world. She wants to be a baker. Yes, I know, nothing sounds quirky or weird about it except she has been developing her own business plan, ON HER OWN. Today she brought me an application that she made for her potential employees.
Let's get started.
The name of her company is B.A.U.A.C.P.W.L.C. which of course stands for "Bakery Association of Underestimated Amazingly Cool People Who Love Chocolate"....obviously.

If any of you reading this, want to apply they will have to complete the following application. Lets get started.

1. Do you want to join the B.A.U.A.C.P.W.L.C?
2. Are you fit to be a baker?
   a) YES
   b) NO :(
   c) Maybe So
   d) I really don't know
3. Are you an underestimated cool person? Why?
4. Do you LOVE chocolate?
   a) YES!!! How dare you even ask!
   b) yah it's ok I guess
   c) No! Never!
5. Can you complete this application?
6. Are you good with computers?
7. Are you great on the phone?
8. Do you have any recipes you want to share?
9. Do you like making friends?
   a) Yes I love everyone
   b) Eh...ok
   c) I HATE THE WORLD! NO!
10. Are you good at cleaning up your space when you are done? Rate yourself 1-10
11. Are you good with the business, economy, money, etc?
12. What mood are you in today? Draw  :) if happy,  :(  if sad,  :<< if frustrated, and ? if none of the options fit you.
13. You are almost done. I want you to draw a picture of anything you want. Just make it good. (the best)


So really, I may have had a little influence on my daughter's personality but the above exercise was all her.
I think she is ready for her new business.

Dinner Time Judgement

Our 14 year old son taught us a lesson the other day that frankly embarrassed my husband and I. As we ate our amazing rosemary pork roast and bruschetta, my son thought he would open the dinner conversation with "I've decided our family is too judgemental."
After 5 seconds of silence I responded, "You are probably right, Dad and I really need to work harder on that."
Just when I thought I had escaped the warranted disappointment, my husband chimed in, "OK, we will try very hard to be less judgemental, except with horrible drivers, we draw the line there." My son tried to defend bad drivers with the standard, 'you don't know that they aren't trying', but my husband and I wouldn't give in.
What 14 year old does that? What teenagers notice that there needs to be a clear conscience and kind heart.
I am sure there are other teenagers out there, but I am proud of mine. My poor children had a mother that was way too rebellious, and thus they have to continue to teach me life lessons. 

Unfortunate but addictive tv.

Unfortunately I have discovered some disturbing TV that I cannot stop watching. After years and years of withstraint, I have caved into watching "Dexter". I am starting from the beginning. Season 1 episode 1. The other disturbing show I started watching in 2013 is Fox's "Following". This brings me to my husband's concern and ultimate question. "Why do girls want to be scared?"  I don't know, it's fun I guess. Maybe it is the idea that there are probably people out in the world that are that disturbed, is in fact, disturbing and fascinating. How do they get there? What do they know? Who knows.

I have endured many road trips in my life, every time we entered a new city and you see how similar or different the homes are. Are the people in them like me? I imagine who they are, what ethnicity they are and what habits they possess. Is this fascination with people and their culture similar to the fascination with scary and disturbing TV?

 I guess I will never know. You know?

Jewelry Design

So, I am a creature of comfort. I am a hippy at heart and don't always display my fashion sense to my surrounding network. however, I do have great taste. A few months ago I saw a job listing for a "Jewelry Buyer" for Sundance Catalog. I don't have buying or purchasing experience, however I have started my own businesses. That is beside the point. Because I love fashion and jewelry so much I put together a Pinterest board for my imaginary "Jewelry Buyer" job.

Enjoy.

Been away for a little while.

To my very few readers, I have been away for awhile. The last two years has been challenging and educational for me. Now that I am ending 2013 I have a few memories and lessons I would like to share.

I have been running a beauty school and with around 70 students and over 17 staff it has definitely been a learning experience.
Not only has my professional life been askew, my personal life has also had some life lessons and joys to learn from. As I get myself reacquainted with you all, I will leave you with this little video.

Love Notes.......

I remember a period in my life from the age of 5 to around 21 that I was always deeply in love. Yes, I was that girl. So, when my 12 year old son started to have a crush of his own, I felt his pain.
He has always had a small crush on one girl in his class each year. Only he and his mother knew of his crush each year.
Until now.
This year it is a little different, he has upped the ante. Not only has he developed a crush, he has written love notes, the first one anonymous and the most recent one he actually signed his name. It is fun to watch the poetic side of my 12 year old come out as he is trying to impress his new crush. Just to let you know, this 12 yr old boy is the sweetest thing, so to him, this day, must be love.

WARNING: Before reading the following love notes, be aware that my 12 year old son is DEEPLY into GREEK MYTHOLOGY.

Love Note #1

Dear Melanie,
You are as sweet as Greek honeycakes. If I were a god and I was immortal I would make you immortal so we could be together. If you were Medusa I would still date you. You are as beautiful as Aphrodite.
Love,
GM (greek myth)

Before I start love note #2 I have to say that I did not let him deliver this note, we talked about being friends and about giving each other space.

Love Note #2

Dear Melanie,
If I were a slave and you my master, I would do whatever you say, even if it means death. If I were Alexander and you the Persian princess, named Roxanne, I would marry you on the spot. If I were Perseus and you Medusa, I would rather die a bloody death by the Kraken than chop off your head. I would do whatever it takes to tickle your heart until death falls upon  us.
Love,
(his name)

These may seem a little serious, but with his love of Greek myths and tragedies, what other frame of reference does he have for love? (I guess other than my husband and I, but we are not nearly this dramatic)

It is so funny to look back and think of those major crushes. The very excitement you feel as you are going through young adulthood, just how serious and eternal they seem. How watching your crush laugh and giggle without knowing what is in your heart.